Shadowhunter Scraps
by Glitter Poisoned My Blood
Summary: A set of note style stories between the characters of MI. Rated 'T' for sexual references/innuendos and author craziness. Canon pairings as well as completely obscure ones. Reader Discretion is advised for those who wish to keep their sanity.
1. Magnus & Movies

I noticed a lack of note passing stories in Mortal Instruments, so I decided to make one! Please read, and look out for new chapters!

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Background info: This takes place two years after City of Glass. Clary & Isabelle are 18, Jace is 19 and Alec is 20. Clary and Jace are engaged and Simon and Isabelle are in a steady relationship. Alec and Magnus are together and Luke and Jocelyn are married. Maryse and Robert left the Institute in the care of their children and now live in their home country... the Penhallows, Maia, Raphael and Jonathan may or may not appear. If I feel it, they will... If I don't, they won't. Either way, it won't be for anything serious.

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_Clary_** Jace** Isabelle Alec: New York Institute at 3:15 PM

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_

_

_I want to see a movie._

Then see one.

_Alone?_

What the hell? What am I? Are you saying you don't enjoy my company?

_You never said you wanted to go._

You never said why we were passing notes, did you?

_It came to me in a vision of angels._

Bullshit.

_I would rather not talk about the waste of a male cow, thank you._

What are you guys doing?

What does it look like we are doing?

Being stupid. Like usual.

_I am not stupid, asshat._

Are you sure?

_Yeah, well… You're GAY!!!_

What tipped you off?

I want to see a movie.

_OMG, me too!_

I know. That's why I said it.

What movie are you seeing?

_I… haven't thought that far yet…_

And people think that I'm stupid.

You are.

Shut up. Nobody likes you.

Magnus likes me.

_Magnus is GAY, and you are GAY, so of course he likes you. He doesn't count._

Why not?

Because I said so!

_Yeah, because she said so!_

I bet, Jace agrees with me that Magnus should count! JACE!!!!!

**Hello.**

Wow, you sound like a stuffy old man.

**I'm too beautiful to be old.**

_Yes, you are rather handsome…_

**Why did you call me here? And why are we passing… notes?**

Why ARE we passing notes, anyway?

Clary had a vision.

HAHA. Right.

To answer your other question, we wanted to ask you whether Magnus counts or not. I said no one likes Alec, but he said Magnus likes him. Clary and I agree that Magnus doesn't count because they are gay together. We're right aren't we?

They're wrong, aren't they?

**_I_ like Alec.**

_But… you're with me!! How can you be gay… without me???_

… You're into that stuff?

Uh. This is disturbing…

**So predictable…**

_JACE!!!!_

**?**

_Hi._

Oh Angels.

You really are stupid.

**And you're gay.**

**_**

**_**

**_

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**

And that is the end of chapter one!! Please review and tell me what you think! I love reviews and comments!


	2. OneEyedOneHornFlyingPurplePeopleEater

I wanted to upload another chapter so that you guys could get a feel for my style of note writing. Also, there could be IM chats, facebook messaging and emails in the future. I'm not quite sure.

Alec ***Magnus **_Clary _**Jace **Isabelle_** Maia **__Simon: _Magnus' Apartment at 7:45 PM

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_

***I have some excellent news, Alec.**

I see you have caught the note passing bug.

***What are you talking about? I didn't catch anything.**

Never mind.

***Okay, sure, sure. As I was saying-**

_**Hey guys!**_

Stupid wolves, always interrupting conversations.

***Whatever, but Alec, I must tell you-**

_Maia is NOT stupid, Alec._

***Can I speak now?**

Sorry, go ahead.

***Tha-**

_**Yes, sorry. **_

Stop interrupting Magnus. It isn't polite.

***WHAT THE HELL?!**

Neither is communications between notes.

***What the fuck? I was speaking here.**

Oh, sorry, Magnus. I'll let you speak now.

***Damn, that took long enough. Alec, I wanted to tell you that I made a-**

_Isabelle!!!_

Simon!!

_I love you…_

Me too!

_They are such novices at love._

Me and Magnus aren't. What were you saying before, anyways? Did you try to make puppy chow for Chairman Meow again? I thought we agreed you wouldn't try to kill our cat anymore.

_**Cats suck. Go dogs!**_

_You're a dog._

_Harsh, Clary. What am I?_

_Hmm… I'm going to go with a mosquito. But, you know, we could do leech if you like classic insults._

_Oh, no. Mosquito is perfect!_

I think so too. If you still wore glasses, it would work even better.

My boyfriend was hot even with bug eyes.

_**Hey, look at Magnus. His face is all purple. I wonder why.**_

_Maybe he's a one-eyed one-horn flying purple people-eater._

Somehow, I doubt that. But it would be interesting.

***YOU IDIOTS!! I WAS TRYING TO SAY-**

**Wow, Magnus, you look pretty steamed.**

_**Hey, look at Magnus. He's rolling in agony on the floor!**_

_Alec, do you have any popcorn?_

_Yeah, this is better than that movie we saw yesterday._

That was a pretty good movie.

**I agree. Brad Pitt was very badass with George Clooney.**

And Julia Roberts, how excellent!

_Maybe we should rob a casino._

_**That sounds fun.**_

***I was trying to tell you I made reservations at our favorite restaurant in the Village!!**

**That sounds fun.**

_**When is it for?**_

_Yeah, do they have chicken? I want some chicken…_

***Not for you idiots! For me and ALEC.**

When is it for?

***About an hour from now.**

**But, I'm hungry now.**

***You AREN'T going.**

That is so rude. Talking about in front of us, and not inviting us!

***You were the ones that barged in while I was trying to tell him. It's not my fault you have poor timing and can't make your own reservations!**

_I agree with Isabelle. We are definitely coming just because you don't want us to._

_**You are so whipped.**_

_Yes! Jace, let's go shower and get ready to go out to eat!_

**Clary, you showered an hour ago.**

_Yeah. ;) I know. *Wiggles brows*_

**Oh… I see… Well, what are you waiting for? Hurry up and let's go!**

_I don't get it. Why are they taking another shower? ARE THEY SHOWERING TOGETHER?_

Yes, young grasshopper.

_WHY? Showers are small and cramped, and it's hard to move by yourself, let alone with another person!_

That's exactly the point. They can… YA know…

…

…

_Ew._

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Poor Untrained Simon…


	3. Cher, Celine Dion & iPods

Hey Guys! I'm kind of sad with the lack of reviews... Tell your friends, haha. Just kidding! I love the readers!

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**To: **Jace Lightwood

**From: **Simon Lewis

**Subject: **Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Asshole,

Give me back my iPod, bitch! I need that to exercise and get better abs!!!

With Love,

Simon

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**To: **Simon Lewis

**From:** Magnus Bane

**Subject: **Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Simon,

Jace forwarded this message to me and I have your iPod. I will not give it back until you give me back my Celine Dion CD. I've only seen her in concert a few times. I know you have my Cher tee-shirt too, and if you don't give it back, I will be forced to turn you into a rat again!

Love,

Magnus

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**To: **Magnus Bane

**From:** Luke Garroway

**Subject: **Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Mr. High Warlock Sir,

Magnus, I regret to inform you that I borrowed your Cher tee-shirt last month. Remember? Jocelyn needed a new rag and I couldn't find one… I figured her face wouldn't get that much more wrinkled in the picture after it got used as a mop…

Sorry kinda-sorta,

Luke

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**To: **Maia Roberts

**From: **Magnus Bane

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Maia,

I know that you really like Celine Dion, so I was wondering if you wanted to go to the concert with me. There are lots of guys there, I should know. And Alec is a total douche right now! Stupid shadowhunters.

Reply soon,

Magnus

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**To: **Magnus Bane; Simon Lewis; Luke Garroway

**From: **Alec Lightwood

**Subject**: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Sweetie Pie, Vamp & Luke

This is ridiculous! Just give Simon his iPod back, Magnus! Simon, give Magnus back his Celine Dion CD. I don't want to hear it, but if it makes him happy… Luke, replace Magnus' Cher tee-shirt; he is very fond of it, and Chairman Meow likes sleeping with it.

Yours,

Alec

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**To:** Simon Lewis

**From: **Clary Fairchild

**Subject**: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Simon,

Magnus just emailed me about the CD you stole. I was wondering what he was talking about, until I realized that you dropped that CD off at my apartment two days ago! So help me Angel, if you do not give it back and out of my Apartment, I will MURDER you. I will not be turned into a rat.

Love,

Clary

PS: Isabelle told me to tell you she said she wants to go to that cute little Mexican restaurant on 45th street for dinner tonight and if you don't make reservations now, there may not be any tables.

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**To: **Alec Lightwood

**From: **Isabelle Lightwood

**Subject**: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Alec,

I thought you had Magnus' Celine Dion CD. I tried to play the one at Clary and Jace's apartment, but it wasn't Celine Dion.

Then I realized that you hated Celine Dion.

Did you hide Magnus' Celine Dion CD?

Hugs,

Isabelle

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**To: **Alec Lightwood

**From: **Magnus Bane

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Darling Little Shadowhunter That I love Dearly,

SEE? This is why I didn't invite you to go to the concert! You hurt me so MUCH ALEC. WHY DO I LOVE YOU? WHY? I hate you so much!!

I love you,

Magnus

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**To: **Isabelle Lightwood

**From: **Luke Garroway

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Isabelle,

Does this mean I don't have to buy him a new shirt? I'm already paying for Clary and Jace's wedding…

From,

Luke

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**To: **Luke Garroway

**From: **Magnus Bane

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Golden Retriever,

Yes, you do have to buy me a new shirt. I loved that shirt with my whole heart and soul. Almost as much as I love Alec…

Kisses,

Magnus

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**To:** Magnus Bane

**From: **Alec Lightwood

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Pumpkin Pie,

WTF?? HOW CAN YOU LOVE A TEE-SHIRT THE WAY YOU LOVE ME???

Love,

Alec

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**To: **Magnus Bane; Jace Lightwood; Luke Garroway; Isabelle Lightwood; Maia Roberts; Clary Fairchild; Alec Lightwood

**From:** Simon Lewis

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Magnus, ASSHOLE, Luke, Isabelle, Maia, Clary & Alec,

Does this mean I get my iPod back…?

From,

Simon

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**To: **Simon Lewis

**From: **Jace Lightwood

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Stupid Bloodsucking Skunk Bag,

No.

With all the disdain in the world,

Jace

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**To:** Magnus Bane

**From: **Maia Roberts

**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

Magnus the Great,

How did you know I loved Celine Dion? She is excellent. I just checked my email now, because Luke has been hogging the computer. I agree; Alec has been a complete vagina bag. Also, about shadowhunters… Tell me about it!

Can't wait to see her,

Maia

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**To: **Jace Lightwood

**From: **Simon Lewis

**Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Give me back my iPod!

**[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]**

Screw-up in Life,

I didn't think so…

I hate you more,

Simon

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	4. Suggestive Snuggle

Hi guys! I know that a lot of you liked it in email format, and I do too, but it is REALLY hard to write that way. I will make more of them that that way and in IM format as well, because it adds to the story. However, this chapter is in regular note format. The next chapter IS in IM format though! Thanks for all the kind reviews, and especially to CristineClary has review every chapter thus far!

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*Magnus **_Simon_: Simon's 'Crypt' on West 56h between 5th and 6th at 2:47 AM

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_

_Hey, Magnus._

***Yes?**

_I have a REALLLLLLY good idea._

***Oh shit.**

_What is that supposed to mean?_

***Uh. Nothing…?**

_You hesitated. Why did you hesitate?_

***I did not hesitate!**

_Yes, you did!_

***No, I didn't!**

_Yes, you did!_

***Forget it!**

_As I was saying, before you called me stupid…_

***I didn't call you stupid.**

_Yes, you did!_

***No, I didn't!**

_Are we really going to do this again?_

***No.**

_Anyways, I think it would be really funny if we switch out all of Jace's jeans with rainbow leather pants._

***And why would that be funny?**

_Because his bachelor party is tomorrow, and he won't have anything to wear to the club besides leather rainbow pants._

***Do you have a key to his apartment?**

**_**

**_**

**_**

**Jace **_Clary: _Subway D Train at 12:00 PM

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_

_

**Isn't it a bad idea to be doing this on the subway?**

_Why? You're badass. You could beat up a brother._

**Oh, I know I'm BA. I'm saying we might miss our stop.**

_So? We aren't actually GOING anywhere. I just wanted to get on the train. Remember?_

**Oh yeah.**

_Those girls are checking you out. I don't think it's the pants either…_

**Hmm? Where? **

_Don't look! We're engaged, penishead! Why are they checking you out anyway? You're wearing Spiderman pajamas!_

**I happen to be quite attractive in anything I wear.**

_So?_

**Then why are you questioning me?**

_I just felt like it. No reason, really._

**Angel…**

_Aw, you're so sweet._

**Huh?**

_You called me an Angel. That is so nice; I think you're an Angel too, Jace!_

**I didn't actually… Never mind.**

_You are sleeping on the couch tonight, buster._

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Alec ***Magnus **Isabelle: Sephora on Broadway at 4:17 PM

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_

Why are we here again?

***I need makeup.**

And why is Isabelle here?

I need makeup.

WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE? I DON'T NEED MAKEUP!

Um...

***As much as I love you, little shadowhunter; you are in dire need of a makeover.**

No, I'm not. I look perfectly lovely the way I am.

You sound like Jace.

***If you start acting like him, I will leave your ass faster than you can say 'sparkles'.**

Oh Angels…

Oooh, look, Magnus! They are having a sale on Too-Faced!

***I love that brand! And look, they have the new scent from Dior~!**

OMG, MAGNUS! Look!!!!

***WHAT?**

Look at that Urban Decay sparkly eye shadow, it is SO YOU!

***OOO, Magnus likey.**

Alec doesn't likey…

***What was that?**

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**Jace **_Clary __Simon_: Taki's Resturant at 1:26 PM

_Sometimes I wonder why I even live on!_

_Are you sitting in self-pity and hatred?_

_Maybe…_

_Can I join?_

_Sure… May I ask why?_

_Jace wants to leave me for some girls he met on the subway._

_GASP! WHAT? Where is he? I'll-_

**I DO NOT! Stop saying that to everyone!!**

_You dare show your face here, Shadowhunter?_

**Piss off, leech.**

_You did not just say that._

_I know, how unoriginal._

**What?**

_I can't believe you are engaged to him. He's so unimaginative._

_Ha, me neither… Why am I engaged to him anyways?_

**Because I'm an, open quote 'hot sexy piece of burning man flesh' close quote. Words from you, yourself, last night if I remember correct.**

_I knew I shouldn't have had that tequila last night…_

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_Simon _Isabelle: Their Apartment in Queens at 10:57 PM

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_

_I'm bored._

You're always bored.

_Not true. _

Get entertained then, Simon.

_You know… We could… _snuggle.

No thanks.

_Why?_

I don't want to snuggle.

_Oh, you didn't get my connotation did you? I meant sex. Not snuggle._

Oh, I know, Simon.

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_

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Haha. Poor Simon...


	5. DoYouLikeTheCreamFilling?

A lot of people have been asking why it is note form and not msn, im and bbm. Well, either way, I would have to set it up the same, unless it was email or in IM form, right? So... Thanks for the reviews! They're all so nice, and you guys say the funniest shit ever. Haha. Sorry that I couldn't update earlier, I was in Martha's Vineyard, and I don't have my internet up at my house there. Sorry. :( Enjoy! :)

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Badassmofo- Jace

IOwnJace- Clary

ShinySparklyThangs- Magnus

DandDMaster- Simon

StupidPrettyBoys- Maia

WitchWithAWhip- Isabelle

AlecLightwood- Alec

_Badassmofo has signed on._

_StupidPrettyBoys has signed on._

Badassmofo: I don't like your username. It is rude to me. I'm pretty. Pretty hot!

_DandDMaster has signed on._

DandDMaster: Hey Maia!! Hi… Jace.

StupidPrettyBoys: Haha! He totally hates you!

Badassmofo: The feeling is mutual.

StupidPrettyBoys: Why do you two hate each other anyway?

DandDMaster: He's a pompous asshole who thinks he knows everything.

Badassmofo: He's a stupid geek who likes to hit on my fiancée and can't act like a regular person because he is a total fuckhead.

StupidPrettyBoys: Wow, Jace wins…

DandDMaster: I hate you all! My life smells like rotten type AB blood, which already smells bad! -_-

StupidPrettyBoys: Emo much? Go cut yourself, vamp boy!

Badassmofo: Yeah, and make sure to just keep letting yourself bleed… Put us all out of our misery.

DandDMaster: Screw this!

_DandDMaster has signed off._

Badassmofo: Thank you for your assistance in payback from that prank he pulled yesterday.

StupidPrettyBoys: You are quite welcome. Don't forget payment with a new Celine Dion shirt.

_Badassmofo has signed off._

_StupidPrettyBoys has signed off._

_IOwnJace has signed on._

_WitchWithAWhip has signed on._

_ShinySparklyThangs has signed on._

IOwnJace: I fell down the stairs today.

WitchWithAWhip: Congratulations?

ShinySparklyThangs: Why are you telling us this?

IOwnJace: I was looking for sympathy. If you won't give me any, fine! I'll just leave to where I am appreciated!

WitchWithAWhip: Huh?

IOwnJace: Don't you 'huh' me! Do you KNOW who my fiancé is!?!?!?!

WithWithAWhip: … My adopted brother?

ShinySparklyThangs: Truth be told; you are scarier than Jace could ever be.

_Badassmofo has signed on._

ShinySparklyThangs: Speak of the devil and he shall appear. I have the sudden urge to rid myself of the lunch I ate, so I'm going to go fix that.

_ShinySparklyThangs has signed off._

Badassmofo: What was that all about?

WitchWithAWhip: Magnus was feeling horny. He asked me where he could get a high quality one.

IOwnJace: Hmm, quite true. I should get one too.

Badassmofo: What? Clary?

IOwnJace: What?

Badassmofo: I'm excellent in bed. Why would you need one?

IOwnJace: Well, on those nights when it's cold and you're off hunting demons and I'm all ALONE and I need release, what do you expect me to do? Wait for you to come back?

WitchWithAWhip: Okay. This is disturbing; I'm going to leave now…

_WitchWithAWhip has signed off._

Badassmofo: UM… YES?

IOwnJace: How sexist! I know for fact you STILL jerk-off in the shower.

Badassmofo: How the FUCK do you know that?

IOwnJace: My secret Jace-Cam.

Badassmofo: Um… I have to go now…

IOwnJace: LIAR! You're right down the hall! I know for fact you DON'T have to go!

_Badassmofo has signed off._

_IOwnJace has signed off._

_StupidPrettyBoys has signed on._

_AlecLightwood has signed on._

AlecLightwood: Hey, Maia.

_StupidPrettyBoys has signed off._

AlecLightwood: Well, THAT was rude.

_AlecLightwood has signed off._

_AlecLightwood has signed on._

_Badassmofo has signed on._

_DandDMaster has signed on._

Badassmofo: Simon, have you seen Clary?

DandDMaster: Um, yes, a thousand times.

AlecLightwood: No, you idiot, he means where is she?

DandDMaster: Isn't she at her bachelorette party with Isabelle and Maia?

Badassmofo: Oh yeah.

AlecLightwood: Aren't you supposed to be at your bachelor party? Aren't we all supposed to take you out drinking and hire hookers or stripper and go pub crawling and you have a one night stand?

Badassmofo: If I had a one night stand or hired a hooker or stripper, Clary would eat my balls off.

AlecLightwood: …

DandDMaster: … Isn't that a good thing?

_Badassmofo has signed off._

_AlecLightwood has signed off._

_DandDMaster has signed off._

_AlecLightwood has signed on._

_ShinySparklyThangs has signed on._

_Badassmofo has signed on._

AlecLightwood: How do you have a bachelor party?

ShinySparklyThangs: Aw, pumpkin, you want to marry me?

AlecLightwood: I didn't mean me!

Badassmofo: He means me, Fagnus!

ShinySparklyThangs: Oh, what a pity. Well, in my experience, you bake penis cookies and get a male stripper.

Badassmofo: OMFG, I'm not gay!

_Badassmofo has signed off._

AlecLightwood: Hey, Magnus?

ShinySparklyThangs: Hmm?

AlecLightwood: Do you want to go bake penis cookies?

ShinySparklyThangs: Only if you let me put cream filling in the middle!

_ShinySparklyThangs has signed off._

_AlecLightwood has signed off.

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_

Ha. Cream filling. Also, to anyone who is gay, the 'fagnus' remark isn't meant to be offensive! REVIEW IF YOU LIKE CREAM FILLING! ;)


	6. Let's Give Them a Show, Baby!

In my defense, I HAD food poisoning, so it was hard for me to write... I love the feedback I'm getting here! :) I fixed the underlining error for Jonathan. He has to be underlined. ;)

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**Jace **_Clary _**Jonathan**: Central Park at 11:19 AM

_I know a song that gets on EVERYBODY'S nerves, EVERYBODY'S nerves; I know a song that gets on EVERYBODY'S nerves and this is how it GOESSSSSS._

**SHUT UP.**

_Uh…. Ain't you supposed to be in a MORGUE somewhere? Or like… I don't know… six feet underground? Rotting and decaying and stuff?_

**Nah. I didn't want to be dead yet.**

_Oh. Cool. You can decide stuff like that?_

**I sure can. Death came to get me and I beat the shit out of him instead.**

_He had shit inside of him?_

**Uh… Sure.**

_So… why are you here? If you don't mind me asking…_

**Oh. No, I don't mind. That was polite. Thank you for asking.**

_You're welcome._

**I'm here to exact revenge by killing Jace and the other Lightwoods.**

_Oh. Interesting. How do you plan to do that?_

**Do I look stupid to you?**

_Um…_

**BITCH I CUT YOU.**

_JACEEEEE! JONATHAN IS TRYING TO RAPE ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! COME SAVE ME!_

**Bitch, you called?**

**Jace!**

_Jace!_

**What is the foul smell of rotting and decaying demon flesh?**

_It's Jonathan._

**Oh. That makes sense.**

**Don't talk about me when I'm right here!**

_So, you want us to talk about you when you're over there?_

**NO!**

**Sometimes, Jonathan, I don't get you.**

**I'm leaving! You people are stupider than I expected!**

_Well… You should have expected more…_

_Clary __**Maia **_**Jace *Magnus **Alec _Simon _Isabelle: New York Movie Theater at 2:07 PM

And then I CUT her.

_**Really? Intense.**_

Shut up and watch the movie!

_Why? I demand FREE rights._

***For the last time, Clary; I AM NOT GIVING YOU A FREE MAGIC BRUSH THAT WILL FIX YOUR HAIR.**

**I don't get this movie.**

_My prom was not like this._

You didn't go to prom.

_SO? He demands FREE RIGHTS!_

No one is listening to you, Clary.

_**Why would anybody be so stupid as to bring such a cute guy to a prom where there is a CHANCE she could be stalked and killed. WHY? ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER? WHAT ARE YOU, MENTALLY CHALLENGED? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HE WAS GOING TO STAY IN PRISON FOREVER AND NOT STALK YOU ANYMORE? I MEAN REALLY! AND WHAT IS WITH ALL THE FORESHADOWING. OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO COME AFTER YOU, SEXUALLY ASSAULT YOU AND RAPE YOU AND THEN MURDER YOU AND FUCK YOUR CORPSE.**_

_Wow… Um, are you okay?_

_**FINE.**_

Yeah, and my name is Mr. Sexy Sparkly Pants.

_But… it's not._

_That's the point, Clary._

HO SHIT! THAT IS A HUGE KNIFE!

_**Why is that the black person always dies first?**_

***What about Asians? We suffer!**

**Yeah, from little cock disease.**

***Excuse me? My penis is NOT small.**

_Who's going to vouch for that?_

***Alec will! ALECC!**

Um… *nervous chuckle…

_Simon _**Jace:** Starbucks in Time Square at 4:47 PM

**I can't believe Clary made me do this.**

_YOU can't? What about me?_

**I'm the one suffering. I don't want to be seen with you.**

_I just wanted a fucking coffee!_

**And I wish Clary had larger breasts, but we don't always get what we want, do we?**

_You are so disgusting._

**I beg to differ. I look especially good next to you because you are so ugly.**

_Hey, look. Those girls are checking us out! Ooh, she's pretty._

**You have a girlfriend, twatwaffle.**

_Those girls are looking at us so oddly. Maybe they think we're gay._

**I most definitely would never be mistaken for being gay. You, on the other hand…**

_Hey… Jace?_

**Yes, incompetent idiot?**

_We could… give them a show…_

**What do you mean?**

_You know…_

**Obviously I don't.**

_YA know *Eyebrows wiggle*_

**Oh… OH.**

_Ya know?_

**Eh…**

_C'mon!_

**Okay… Maybe once wouldn't hurt…**

_Clary _Isabelle _**Maia**_

_I like gay guys._

_**So... that's why you chose Jace?**_

_What?_

_**Nothing…**_

Hey, guys! What's hot?

_Me._

_**Wow, conceited much? Jace is rubbing off on you.**_

Anyway, why did you call us here, Clary?

_So, last night I puked up all over the place._

_**Was Isabelle cooking?**_

SHUT UP, MAIA. My cooking isn't THAT bad.

_Cough…_

_**Continue what you were saying, Clary.**_

_So, as I was saying, I went to the doctor this morning._

_**OMG, did Jace give you a disease or something?**_

_You could say that…_

HOLY SHIT. 

_So, I'm pregnant._

_**YEAH OR SOMETHING….**_

_Don't tell him, okay?_

He doesn't KNOW? Are you stupid? He will give you his demon glare of evilness and you WILL tell him whether you want to or NOT.

_I'm ENGAGED to the FUCKER. Of course I know that!_

_**So… Jace knocked up Clary…**_

Yes…

_**Does Luke know?**_

...

…

_We. Are. FUCKED.

* * *

_

_Ha. Ha ha... Sorry it took me a while to get this up. :( Please review!  
_


	7. Secret  That Means I Don't Tell You

So, I'm sooooo sorry guys. I haven't been feeing SS recently, and I finally wrote this about a week ago. Sadly, I wrote it on my mom's Mac, and I forgot about it completely. So, here is my present to you! Love you guys!

* * *

Jonathan _Clary_: Jonathan's Mausoleum 11:17 PM

So what I'm really trying to say is that I want to be the big brother you've always wanted!

_Uh-huh._

You want me?

_I guess. Maybe. Uh. I don't know._

You're making me very angry.

_BIG BROTHER._

I LOVE YOU LITTLE SISTER! So… anything you need to tell me?

_Uh… I don't think that that is necessary._

You have lying face.

_What? No I don't!_

Liar.

_Okay… I might be keeping a secret from you._

Okay. So tell me.

_It's a SECRET, Jonathan. That means I DON'T tell you._

So… I can keep a secret. So tell me.

_Fine… I MIGHT POSSIBLY COULD BE MAYBE pregnant._

I'm sorry. What was that?

_I'm pregnant._

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE READ THAT WRONG. WHAT WAS THAT?

_I'm pregnant._

Right…

_So… What's big in your life?_

I died.

_I'm pregnant._

I win.

**Jace **_Clary _Isabelle _Simon_: That new Asian Restaurant in Soho

_Why are we eating at the new place?_

_It's ASIAN._

**Do you have something against Asians, batboy?**

He can't turn into a bat, assclown.

**So. It's a good insult.**

_I like it._

_What the hell is WRONG with you, Clary? You've been agreeing with everything He says recently._

**I like how you capitalized the H. I really am God aren't I? Yahweh all the WAY.**

Shut up. You aren't Jewish.

_Are you even religious?_

_Jace believes in god._

How do you know that? I thought he didn't believe.

_Every time we have sex he screams 'OH GOD'._

_Clary _**Jace**: Momma Maternity on 38th street on Father's Day at 3:15 PM

**Why did you bring me here? I'm pretty sure Isabelle isn't pregnant.**

_No… She's not._

**So… Why are you trying on that maternity shirt?**

_Happy first Father's Day, Jace! You're gonna be a daddy!_

…

…

…

_I think he's fainted._

Luke Jocelyn **Jace **_Clary:_ Greymark Manor in Idris at 7:19 PM

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Calm down, Luke. Watch your language.

**Err… Sorry?**

WHAT? WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING? ARE YOU SORRY FOR KNOCKING HER UP? ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE HER!

_What…? Jace! You're leaving me? *Starts to weep_

**LUKE, SHUT UP.**

You're making a pregnant woman cry. It's not good.

**Thank you, Jocelyn.**

Don't talk to me, buddy. You're going to be castrated the next time I see you.

_MOMMMY. Don't do that to Jace! That's my favorite part of him…_

**I thought it was my undeniably sexy shape and my douchbag attitude that turned you on.**

WHAT?

_OI!_

**Luke, I'm already engaged to Clary. We're going to get married in like three days, so it's not a big deal. She's already pregnant. What other sheneagans can we get into?**

A lot. What if she pukes all over the place at the wedding?

_OI!_

Or you leave her at the alter…

_OI!_

**Why would I leave her at the altar?**

_OI!_

I heard that you were leaving her like, last week.

_OI!_

**Clary? Did you have something to say?**

_I think I need to puke._

**Why didn't you say something?**

_WHAT THE HECK?

* * *

_

So, I know it's been a long ass time since I updated. I've been really stressed. I had finals and I've had to do a lot for school and the Respect Club and stuff. Plus, I've not been feeling well lately. I feel sorta sick. Even while I write this, I feel sick and my head hurts. Maybe I have a brain problem. That would be bad, correct? I also want to send hugs to everyone who's reading and wants to bite my head off but isn't. School is finally out, so I'll be able to focus on writing and everything.


	8. Cocky Junk

Here's the next chapter! You guys better loveeee meee? Don'ttt you loveee meee? I love you too! (: I had this written last week but had no internet! Next chapter is almost done too!

* * *

Jonathan** Jace: **Tittie Bar on Broadway at 11:24 PM

I heard you got my sister pregnant.

**Yup.**

Cool.

**Yup.**

I feel bad for you, man.

**Yup.**

Can I go tell Clary you and Simon made out in public?

**Yu-… wait, what?**

KKOOLBYE!

_Clary_ **Jace **Isabelle: Morgenstern Manor Idris at 1:19 PM

_Are you ready for this?_

**I've been ready since the minute I met you.**

_Truly?_

**This is the best decision I've ever made.**

_Really? I agree._

**I knew from the moment we met, that this would happen.**

_You did?_

**Of course.**

_Slagowhungter._

What the fuck are you two doing?

**Ha! Bitch, you lose!**

_Shit!_

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING MARRIED IN HALF AN HOUR! WHAT ARE YOU SHITS DOING?

_Playing Chubby Bunny._

…

…

…

_Why is she frozen like that?_

**Jace **_Clary_ Priest: That Place Where Shadowhunters Get Married at 2:07 PM

Jace Lightwood, do you promise to love and cherish Clarissa Morgenstern until death do you part, in sickness and in health and all the rest of that stuff?

**Sure, whatever.**

Is that a yes?

_YEAH, JACE; IS THAT A YES? IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID WHEN YOU KISSED SIMON?_

Dudes, I don't marry gay people here. They get married at that other place. It's sparkly.

_Vegas?_

Yeah.

_Hmm. I'll have to remember that._

**What about you? What do you say?**

_What?_

**Ask Clary the big question.**

_The big question…?_

Are you a virgin?

**THAT'S NOT THE BIG QUESTION!**

Ohhhh. Okay. Yo, do you wanna hitch with Jace, kid?

_Ehh… Nah._

**WHAT?**

LE GASP!

_I don't WANNA hitch with Jace. I NEEDA hitch with Jace._

Kiss her, idiot.

**Oh hell yes. I can do that part.**

**Jonathan **Alec: Alec's 'humble' abode at 7:11 PM

You're kidding me right?

**No.**

Right?

**No.**

Are you serious?

**Yes.**

Holy shit. I never pegged you to be… like that.

**I kept it a secret from father because I was afraid he would disown me forever if he found out who I truly was and what I really liked to do.**

So… Why are you asking for my help? Why not Clary or Magnus?

**Clary is off having pregnant honeymooning sex with Jace.**

Magnus?

**Is too sparkly for my taste.**

HEY. BUDDY. Back off. He's MY man-bitch.

**Okay… Can you help me, or not?**

Of course I can help you, my secret keeping sandy haired friend.

**Thanks, Alec.**

_Clary _**Jace**: An Island that Jonathan bought for them for their wedding. Somewhere off of South America at an ungodly time in the morning.

_OH GOD BABY THAT'S SO GOOD!_

**Oh… yes…**

_Seriously, that's some good chicken. _

**Definitely.**

_You're sexy when you eat chicken._

**I'm always sexy.**

…

…

…

**What's that supposed to mean?**

_What?_

**You just '…'ed me!**

_No, I didn't._

**Yes, you did! What are you trying to say, Clary?**

_OKAY I CRACK! You aren't sexy when you brush your teeth. At all. It's gross._

**I thought… I was supposed to brush my teeth?**

_Yeah… but it's gross to watch. It looks like you're giving the toothbrush a blowjob. Not my cup of cum._

…

…

…

Doctor _Clary _**Jace**: Clary's OB/GYN in New York City at 8:37 AM

Congratulations! They are twins!

_Waa…. Wha…. WHATT? FUCKING TWINS?_

**GO ME!**

_WHAT? Why are you celebrating? I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF TWO KIDS! I WAS READY FOR ONE. NOT TWO! AND THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS ARE GONNA BE JUST LIKE YOU!_

**Of course I would create twins. It makes sense.**

_You're right… That does make sense._

Why do you say that, Mr. Lightwood?

**Look at me.**

_Oh honey… I AM._

I don't think I quite follow.

_It's Jace._

I still don't understand…

Alec Isabelle _Simon__ Clary __**Jonathan **_**Jace ***Magnus: Clary and Jace's Apartment in New York at 9:22 AM

_Something is going on with Clary and Jace. Look at him, prancing around like he owns the place!_

*He _does_ own this place, doofus.

_**Shut up! What? How do you know?**_

It's too early for him to be proud of himself. It's only 9:30. It's WAY too early. He must have gotten laid. He looks too satisfied.

*I think I know what it was!

What?

_We are having twins!_

FUCKING TWINS?

_That's exactly what I said._

I'm not following why this has anything to do with why he is so proud of himself.

**My junk is feeling pretty proud right now.**

_See? I told you._

Shut up. Why?

**Clary is having twins.**

_**And…?**_

**Move over Michael Phelps. My boys are superhuman swimmers. They cannot be satisfied with only a single egg. No, my troops stormed the castle TWICE.**

_**Oh… I can't say I blame your junk for being cocky…**_

That's what she said.

*Balls of Steel.

_See? I told you._

Seriously, I think I have the best fans ever. I really do. No joke. People message me and say 'You're so lucky, you have the best fans ever. They love you so much and they're really protective.' Haha, you don't need to tell me; I know! Boobie shakes to **KissTheRain14** who is always there & stroking me ;) && to **Sam **who is also a good stroker :O

**Reviews get Chubby Bunny Jace ;)**


	9. But We're FAMILY, Jace!

I'm glad you guys liked the last chapter! (: I guess you guys really like the 'Vegas' line. Haha! I'm not going to put my views out there about Gay Marriage, or any kind of politics, because I don't feel it's appropriate. But know this, three of my good friends are gay. :)

Also, if there are any mistakes in this chapter, it's because I just got a Macbook Pro! Squeee! But, I don't have Microsoft Word yes (it's like 150 bucks! AHHH!) So... Soonish... :(

* * *

Alec *Magnus: Alec's 'humble' abode at 7:47 AM

*YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?

It's not a big deal, baby.

*Yeah it fucking is.

No, it really isn't!

*I've never done this before!

What the fuck?

*What! Why are you so surprised?

You're eight hundred fucking years old. How HAVE you NOT?

*Because… I never tried it before… I don't think I would like it. You do it!

I've never done it before either.

*Really?

Really.

*That makes me feel a lot better, little shadowhunter.

So will you do it?

*Sighhhh. Fine…

When?

*When do you think?

Now?

*Its eight in the morning! It's too early.

But we've done stuff earlier in the morning.

*No, honey, we've done it LATE at night, and never this.

Well, we start out a new day doing something new.

*Fine! I'll call _Wicked_ and have them hire Jonathan!

Thanks. (: Love you!

_Clary _**Jace**: Clary and Jace's Apartment New York at 11:32 PM

_So what do you say?_

**No.**

_What the fuck? Why?_

**We're married! And you're pregnant!**

_! You sexist bastard! I'm leaving anyway!_

**Fuck Me...**

_Name a time & place!_

_Clary _Isabelle: 42nd Street at 12:07 PM

_Oh that is sooooo hot._

I'm glad you came.

_Oh yes… Me too._

That is a JUICY little bitch.

_I think you mean 'bastard'._

Oh. So I do.

_Yummmm._

So, Jace let you come?

_He never lets me come._

WHAT THE FUCK?

_Oh… You meant here…_

YES.

_Er… No. He told me to stay home. So I left anyway to spite him._

And… he doesn't let you come?

_Oh he lets me come. Hehe._

Uh huh… Oh god, look at him!

_You have a thing for dark hair, huh?_

You have a thing for dicks.

_Of course! I'm not lesbian! Jeez, Isabelle._

… 

…

…

Never mind.

_Clary _**Jace **Jonathan: Clary and Jace's Apartment at 11:37 AM

**NO.**

Please?

_Please?_

**NO.**

_Why not?_

**You're fucking kidding me, right?**

No…

_Why would I joke about something this important?_

Yes. Why would we joke about something THIS important?

**Cause you're fucking stupid, which goes along with why you would even ASK me this.**

_Me? Stupid? I take offense to that remark..._

PLEASE! C'mon! I'm FAMILY!

**That makes me want to say 'no' even more.**

_Hmm. Quite true._

**Understand why I said no?**

_No._

**ONE last time. JONATHAN IS NOT MOVING IN WITH US. Why would you even ask that?**

_Free babysitting._

**You can sleep in the guest bedroom.**

Isabelle _Simon __Clary _Jonathan: Clary and Jace's Apartment at 7:25 PM

_Aren't you afraid he'll try to kill you and the babies?_

Or that he'll steal the kids and turn them evil or something?

_Or Butt rape them..._

_Not really. I don't think I need to live in fear over that. Jonathan's much better than we thought._

He killed my brother!

Minor detail.

MINOR DETAIL?

That's not what I meant?

_Then what did you mean, sparkledouche?_

_Jonathan was raised to kill… It's not his fault that he was made to murder._

_REALLY?_

Yes.

Okay… And when did he feed you this lie?

I wasn't lying.

_He wasn't lying._

_How could you even considering letting him live with you?_

_Free babysitting._

I completely understand.

* * *

So, I love you guys. Seriously. You're like THE coolest people in the world. I think I'm in love. Also, because several people asked what it was - Chubby Bunny is a game where you stuff marshmallows into your mouth and continue to try to say 'Chubby Bunny'. In this case, they were trying to say 'Shadowhunter' instead of 'Chubby Bunny'. Usually, when you play this game, you end up gagging up all the marshmallows. It's kind of gross. The person who fits the most into their mouth and can still say Chubby Bunny wins. I can fit four. Not that I tried or anything..


	10. Professional Skank

Hey guys! I'm back from Amsterdam (it was the shittt) and so I wanted to get something up before I left for France, which is a ten day trip! Hopefully, I'll be able to write two chapters before Monday. If I do, I can have my mom post the next chapter after this one while I'm away as a present! I'm really in a great mood because my mom finally agreed to buy me a Nikon Coolpix L110! I am really happy, because I love photography! I want to be a photographer/journalist for Lonely Planet Guide Books. I love traveling! Anyway, on with the story, and thanks to anyone who favorites, reviews, alerts and people who just read; you are the light in this world! Haha, I feel like I have sun shining out of my ass.

* * *

To: Simon Lewis

From: Isabelle Lightwood

Subject: A Sad and Demeaning Message

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Dear Simon,

I am sad to inform you of a very upsetting message that will haunt you for the rest of your life. I am leaving you for Jonathan Morgenstern because he has a bigger dick than you. I am sorry if this ruins any plans you may have had, and you may call my secretary Magnus Bane for any questions. He will answer them. I would also like to collect my dowery of $28,537 in hundred dollar bills. You may round up to the nearest thousand dollar.

Thank you for the brief and upsetting time we had together with little Simon Junior. I will be waiting for my check. Until then, I would like to say that the apartment on the Upper East side is strictly MINE, and that you are no longer allowed near the institute. If you go anywhere near, Church will attack you. I will do my best to stay away from the Hotel Dumort, and hope that you respect this mutual decision to end our 'relationship'.

No longer yours,

Isabelle Lightwood

To: Clary Lightwood

From: Isabelle Lightwood

Subject: Pick me, you skank bag!

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Bitch,

So, I know that you and Simon have been friends for a long time and that you guys are basically siblings and that you should be taking his side in this little breakup, but I think you should pick me. I mean, come on. We're the same species!

Is

To: Isabelle Lightwood

From: Jace Lightwood

Subject: Yeah, Right…

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Izzy,

You and my wife are hardly the same species. You're a skank and she's not. See? Makes sense, huh?

Jace

To: Jace Lightwood

From: Clary Lightwood

Subject: All I Want

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Father of my Unborn Child,

I don't care who wins this breakup battle.

All I want is hot pregnant sex.

Clary

To: Clary Lightwood

From: Jace Lightwood

Subject: Re: All I want

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

I guess I was wrong about the whole species thing. Let's get it on, wifey!

Jace

To: Isabelle Lightwood

From: Simon Lewis

Subject: Re: A Sad and Demeaning Message

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Isabelle,

Okay. I left your stuff downstairs on the street. You know how sketchy this place is. RUN, BITCH, RUN!

Simon

To: Clary Lightwood

From: Isabelle Lightwood

Subject: Holy Fucking Shit Twang

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Clary,

And then he was all like, 'MOVE, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!' And I was all like, blind nigga samurai on his ass. It was the shit. You would be proud of me.

Or not.

Isabelle

To: Isabelle Lightwood

From: Simon Lewis

Subject: Bitch, Read This

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Bitch,

A Pimp Named Slimy Sam is at my apartment looking for you. I hope you don't mind that I told him that you were running away with another pimp.

Simon

To: Simon Lewis

From: Jace Lightwood

Subject: NO FUCKING WAY!

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Simon,

I never knew that Isabelle was a professional skank.

Can't say it surprises me…

Jace

PS: I still don't like you.

To: Clary Lightwood

From: Isabelle Lightwood

Subject: Ha, right!

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Clary,

Control your husband. Or else I'll cut out his floating ribs so that he can bend over and blow himself. Like Marilyn Manson.

Isabelle

To: Isabelle Lightwood

From: Clary Lightwood

Subject: Re: Ha, right!

[Reply] [Delete] [Forward] [Save]

Isabelle,

Why is that a bad thing? I hate giving head...

Clary

* * *

And there you have it folks, the split of Simon and Isabelle. What will happen next? Will they get back together? Will they see new people? Will Isabelle become lesbian because that is TOTALLY unexpected and would be hilariously funny? Will I ever shut up and stop doing these ridiculous 'will x happen' questions? Not likely!


	11. An Unexpected Development!

This chapter is dedicated to KissTheRain14, who's like my BITCH. RIGHT GURL?

* * *

_Clary _**Jace **_**Jonathan **_Maia: Jonathan's Room Because He Can't Afford His Own House at 9:32 PM

_And how exactly did this happen?_

_**I just knew.**_

Aw, stop! You're making me blush!

**Yeah, stop. I'm about to hurl.**

_**Shut up, Brother-in-law.**_

**Now I really AM going to hurl.**

_Stop it you two! You are being redonkulous!_

REDONK A DONK!

_**Yeah, you're being redone a donk!**_

**Screw you, Alfie!**

Alfie?

_*Cough* Ermmm… Nothing? Hey, lookit! That's such a nice pink color!_

**Oh… *snicker* He didn't TELL you?**

_**STAFOO BITCH!**_

_Stafoo?_

Shut the fuck up.

_*Gasp!* Maia! I thought we were friends! Well, I NEVER!_

No, it's what stafoo means.

_**It was our first romantic joke.**_

**That makes sense.**

_I don't understand._

**Jonathan's Violent. They were probably having hot monkey sexy and he screamed shut the fuck up at her. That's why it's their first romantic joke. It makes sense.**

…

…

…

_You're right…_

_Clary _**Jace**: Their bed at 7:42 AM

_Jace?_

**Yes, Clary?**

_Let's go our for breakfast. I want sushi._

**No.**

_Penishead. Why?_

**You're pregnant! Are you STUPID?**

_Is your cock small?_

**What? Um… no?**

_What? You're not sure?_

**No!**

_No?_

**I mean, Yes!**

_Yes?_

**Oh never mind. Let's go get some stupid mercury induced food that kills babies…**

Alec **Magnus**: The Gay Pride Parade at 11:27 AM

Wow. There are a lot of gay people here.

**Yeah, so stay close to me.**

Why?

**I couldn't bare it if someone stole my little shadowhunter from me. Literally. I would kill them. And you.**

Um… I wouldn't leave you, Magnus.

**Yeah, until you find another gay shadowhunter.**

Are there more gay shadowhunters? Really?

**No.**

Is that…

**No! *gasp!***

Ohmigod, I think it is. Holy shi-

**YOUR SISTER WITH ALINE?**

Holy shit.

**Holy shit.**

I thought she was straight.

**Me TOO.**

I THOUGHT Aline was straight…

**Eh. That one's questionable.**

Isabelle Alec: Institute at 7:42 PM

Is there something that you need to tell me, Isabelle?

Um… No?

Liar!

You asked, dorkus!

And you lied, ho!

I am not a ho!

*GASP* LIAR!

*GASP* ASSHOLE!

I think, as your older brother, you should be able to trust me with this secret that you are trying so hard to keep.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I saw you with Aline!

Oh, us, making out?

YES!

Whatever. It wasn't a secret. I thought you knew.

I didn't!

Your fault for not picking up on it earlier.

I hate you.

* * *

**OMG! Unsuspected story change! Maia and Jon are dating? Isabelle and Aline are lesbian? Alec is a dorkus! Man, this is getting crazy!**

_Hey ditty,_

_Hi ditty,_

_Ho ditty too,_

_Leave me a review,_

_You know you want to!_


	12. Giuseppe Zanotti & Hot Lesbian Bitches

Shadowhunter Scraps, once again! I want to thank all the reviews, readers and anyone else who favorites, alerts or just likes to read Shadowhunter Scraps. Hey, wanna know something funny? When I saved this chapter on my Macbook, I made a type, so instead of Shadhunter Scraps, it was Shadowhunter Craps. Hehe. Dirty jokes never fail to amuse me.

**WARNING: This chapter contains racist Asian jokes. If you have a stick up your ass, wait for the next chapter!

* * *

**

**Jace **Jonathan Aline _Clary_: One of the Too Many Starbucks in NYC at 11:47 AM

_So… Aline… That test really failed, huh?_

Yeah… I guess. What's it to you?

_Well… You're dating my sister-in-law, aren't you?_

Yes! How did you know?

**Are you fucking stupid?**

Of course she is. Don't you remember? She actually thought I was her cousin. What an idiot.

Doesn't that mean that you're calling Clary and Jace stupid?

**In what way?**

_Yes, please explain._

Well, I would figure, that since he considers me stupid for thinking that he was my COUSIN, then he must figure you both stupid for thinking that you were siblings. It does make a certain amount of sense if you really think about it. In fact, I would also guess that he is thinking that nearly everyone is stupid for thinking that he was Sebastian Verlac, when of course, Sebastian was dead.

_How dead?_

Like, super dead.

**How dead is that?**

Deader than Simon.

_So he's pretty dead, then?_

Oh yeah.

_You know, Aline, I didn't think that you had a brain. No offense or anything._

Uh… none taken?

**Hey, have you heard any Asian jokes about your name? I know a shit ton. Want to hear them?**

No.

**Good! Here we go! What do you call a woman who limps?**

A limping woman?

**No! EILEEN! HAHAHA.**

_GOOD ONE!_

But my name is Aline. Not Eileen.

Bitch, shut the FUCK up.

**Want to hear another one?**

No.

**What do you call an Asian woman who limps?**

A limping Asian woman?

**EIREEN! HAHA! Get it? Cause you know, Asians pronounce L's like R's?**

_You're so funny sweetie._

_._

_Clary _Isabelle: Bergdorf Goodman 12:27 PM

_Those are good shoes. I like those._

GOOD? That's ALL you have to say about Giuseppe Zanotti?

_Uh… Yes? Hey, look at those! With the red bottoms! What are those…? Why are you looking at me like that?_

You don't know what Christian Louboutin shoes look likes? Are you insane! ARE YOU EVEN FEMALE!

_Obviously, idiot; I'm pregnant. Is it really such a big deal?_

Um, yeah, Clary. I don't care if you are pregnant or not, we are getting you into those shoes!

_Which ones…? is this such a good idea? What if I trip or something? I'm already twenty weeks pregnant. Maybe this isn't such a good plan…_

Don't worry. I'll put a balance rune on you… And… We're going to put you in THOSE!

_Those black ones that have the massive heel that will kill me?_

Yeah. They look like six and a half inches give or take an inch…

_WHAT?_

Pfttt, don't worry about it!

_Don't worry about it? These are your unborn er… things!_

What do you mean, 'things'?

_We haven't found out the sex of the babies yet._

WHAT!

_Shhhh! Isabelle, people are staring! Stop it, dorkus!_

That's it. We are GOING to the doctor. Why didn't you do this before?

_We wanted it to be a surprise!_

Idiot. You should want to know the sex of the babies.

_Er… Why?_

What if they take after Jace?

_You're right. Let's make an appointment._

_._

Alec **Magnus** _Clary _Shop Assistant: Sak's Fifth Avenue 3:42PM

**We'll take this, this, this, ooh, that, all of those, and everything under this.**

In what size, sir?

**Four.**

Very good, sir. I will be back in a few moments.

_Do you really have to buy me all of this, Magnus?_

Yes, Magnus, do you REALLY have to buy her all of this?

**It's not every day that a good friend of mine gets knocked up. Those are my niece nephew things in there. I want mommy to be comfortable.**

Angels have mercy…

_But… You really don't have to, Magnus. I still fit almost all of my clothing._

**Honey, maybe it fits, but it does NOT flatter.**

Uhm…

Here you go, sir.

_*Looks at price tag* HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?_

**I have been told I'm crazy. In bed.**

THAT'S for sure.

**Okay, Alec, you stay here with the personal shopper. I'm going to help Clary try on all of this stuff.**

_Help? What the fuck? You perv!_

**Answer me honestly. Can you bend down properly.**

_Um…_

**Exactly. We'll be back, Little Shadowhunter!**

Bu-

That's so sweet that he cares for this girlfriend that much!

Are you kidding me?

What?

He's gay, you moron. He's MY boyfriend. She's my SISTER-IN-LAW.

.

**Jace **_Clary_: Their Apartment at 7:11 PM

**You just let him buy you all this?**

_Not really. I tried to talk him out of it. You know what he said in the dressing room? 'Clary, I have enough money to support the whole Lightwood Dynasty for a thousand years. Where do you think all the money that you pay for a warlock goes to?'_

**Oh…**

_I was thinking about names in the bath today. Want to hear them?_

**No.**

_Okay, great! If one's a boy, we should name him 'Maxigasm'._

**You're kidding.**

_No. It makes sense. He was conceived during MAXIMUM ORGASMS. So, Maxigasm._

**I think you need to go to bed.**

_Yeah, now that you mention it… I feel pretty tired. Later._

**Wait a second… Did you say IN the DRESSING ROOM?**

**.**

Simon **Jace **Jonathan: Starbucks on Broadway at 9:32 AM

Did she really?

**Yes.**

Wow.

**I know. It was incredible.**

That is pretty amazing.

**I thought I was seeing an apparition.**

And it was just completely fine and everything?

**Yeah.**

That's amazing.

Hey guys, what are you talking about?

**Isabelle kissed Aline in front of Maryse and Robert yesterday.**

Holy crap. Did she really?

Yes.

Wow.

I know. It's incredible.

So… I know that you're kind of into the incest thing, Jace… And you have to admit, although they are both lesbian, you would have to be deaf dumb and blind not to call them both gifts from God… So you won't mind me asking you… Did it get you off?

**Are you on crack?**

… How did you know?

And that's all for today, folks! If you are a reader of 'Of Air and Angels', well, I must say… It will be updated soon. It's being edited! I'm kind of excited, because I've already written a few chapters! Woohoo! I also want to thank KissTheRain14, who never fails to get my panties out of a bunch when I need it. So, boobie shakes to her. I'm kind of pissed that there are no separators on Fanfiction these days. Like, for cereal, dudes?

**Reviews get Spanks (Or snuggles, if you're not into that kind of thing…)**


	13. Chastity Belts & Virtues To Protect

Hahahahahhha. This chapter, in my opinion, is the funniest one yet. I don't own Mortal Instruments. I do own BCBG shorts and a very cute Ralph Lauren striped boat neck shirt. I also own a Macbook Pro in which I write on. And, apparently, buy my designer clothes on. To anyone whose interested, on a side note, the Bracelet that Isabelle says she wants in this chapter, is sooo fuckin' cute. Google it. It's 'Juicy Couture Velvet Crown Watch' It should be the third picture to come up. ;) it's suppperrr cute. I should know. My BFF Brenna has it.

The Title Chapter couldn't fit fully, so here it is: **What Do I Need a Fucking Chastity Belt For? I Have no Virtue to Protect!**

* * *

_Clary _**Jace **Alec: Yet _another _Starbucks at 9:58 AM

**That's not coffee is it?**

_No. It's tee._

You mean 'tea'?

_No, tee._

**Just don't argue with her. Pregnant women always win.**

_No we don't._

**You're right honey. You don't.**

_I know._

Disturbing. Anyways... Jace, I like that belt.

**Thanks. See you later.**

_Bye! We're going to go have hot steamy sex!_

_Aline _Isabelle Alec **Magnus**: Juicy Couture at 10:37 AM

Clary and Jace should be calling any minute now.

_Why?_

You'll see.

Hey, Magnus, let's shop.

**Hell yes.**

I really want this velvet charm bracelet watch thingy I saw online. If I don't have it, I'll throw a fit.

**Okay, let's go buy it.**

_Do you really need another watch, Isabelle?_

Obviously. She's always late for everything. I say she needs a million more watches.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DON'T HAVE IT? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

Chill the fuck out, Isabelle.

**SHE WILL NOT CHILL OUT. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.**

_You're telling me._

*briiiingggg brinnnnnnnnng hey, That's my phone. Ooh look who it is? Clary. This is going to be good.

MEANWHILE

**Jace **_Clary_: Their Bed at 10:32 AM

**Ughhh, baby, that's so good… Don't stop.**

_What the fuck?_

**What, baby?**

_The belts not fucking opening…_

**Here, let me try… Hey! It's not coming off! What the fuck?**

_Where the hell did you get this belt?_

**Alec give it to me a little after I first met you!**

_What the FUCK? IS IT A CHASTITY BELT OR SOMETHING?_

**Apparently.**

_Well, where are the rest of your belts?_

**Alec has them.**

_I am going to KILL HIM._

**Hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman scorned.**

Alec **Magnus**: Guess Where? Another Starbucks! at 10:45

**So why did Clary call you?**

Do you remember that belt I had you put that spell on?

**The one that can't you brought to me a few years back? With the spell that keeps the belt locked until the person breaks the spell on it?**

Yeah, that one.

**Yes, I remember… Why?**

Well, I gave it to Jace a while back. I saw him wearing it this morning, and then he and Clary went off to have sex… but they won't be able to.

**Well… Why is he wearing it now? After this long?**

I stole all of his belts.

**There's a flaw in this plan.**

And what would that be?

**How is he going to take a piss?**

Shit. I didn't think of that.

**Obviously.**

_Clary _Alec: Alec's Place at 12:37

_You've taken my FAVORITE part of him away from me! His dick!_

That didn't need clarifying.

_Yes it did... You're gay. You wouldn't understand._

Hey, I like penis just as much as the next gay man.

_Ew. You're so gay._

Anyway, shouldn't his personality and qualities be what makes you love him so much? Like, his sweet side and all that shit?

_As if._

?

_Have you MET my husband?_

Point taken.

* * *

On an unrelated note, the healthysexyhair leave in conditioner with ginger root makes my hair smell like pumpkin pie. I'm officially a nummy treat. ;) Kisses and Juicy Couture Velvet Crown Watches to **Sam** and, a chastity belt to KissTheRain14. She really needs one. Have you SEEN some of the whoring around she does? Trust me. I did her once. ;)

**Reviews get Jace without a chastity belt.**


	14. BABIES BABIES BABIES BABIES squirrels

Don't forget to read the review at the end. I shamelessly whore myself off to all of you. Yum.

* * *

_Clary _**Jace: **Their Bedroom 10:42 PM

_Holy fuck._

**Yes… Sex is rather holy isn't it?**

_I think. Holy shit. Holy… ARGHHH!_

**Are you okay?**

_No, you shit!_

**What's wrong?**

_I think… I'm in labor…_

**WHAT? *jumps out of bed and starts running around with the baby bag. Let's go!**

_Okay! Run!_

**What do I do? What do I do?**

_Call Isabelle and Magnus and My mom and Luke and Your parents and Alec and Aline and Simon and Maia and Jonathan!_

**I don't think my phone has all of their numbers… **

_JUST DO IT!_

**Jace **Random Guy: Outside of Clary's Room 10:59 PM

So… what's going on?

**My wife is giving birth. You?**

Nothing… My sister is having a kid.

**Cool.**

Yup.

**Yeah. I don't know about you, but… er… I'm afraid of uh…**

Pregnant women?

**Yeah.**

So is my sister.

_Clary _**Jace **Doctor: Magnus' Room 11:42 PM

You're almost ready, Mrs. Lightwood. Only five more minutes and we can get them out.

_MAKE IT FIVE SECONDS!_

Not long enough. Sorry.

**Does it hurt terribly?**

_WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK, YOU FUCKING IDIOT? THAT THESE ARE TEARS OF JOY? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT FEELS? I SWEAR ON THE FUCKING ANGELS THAT YOU ARE NEVER TOUCHING ME AGAIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW!_

**Uhmm… right… I'm going to leave now.**

_WHAT ARE YOU DOING? _

**Leaving… **

_What the fuck? Why?_

**You just told me to leave.**

_No I didn't._

Yeah, man, she didn't tell you to leave.

**She said 'get the fuck out right now'. She told me to leave.**

_You misunderstand. I meant 'get the fuck out right now' as in 'if you ever have your penis out of your pants again im going to shove it into a blender and fry it until its so black that you would think that it was Jonathan's penis'. What kind of idiot are you, anyway?_

**Um… right. So, do you need anything? **

_Oh I'll tell you what I need…_

_Clary _Doctor **Jace**: Clary's Room at Midnight Exactly

Male born at 11:57 PM at 5 pounds 3 ounces. Female born at 12:00 AM at 3 pounds 15 ounces.

**Right… So… That's a baby?**

Why are you asking that like a question?

**Er… I don't know. I sort of thought they would come out like angels… or I don't know… squirrels or something.**

Um… No.

**Yeah…**

So, Mrs, Lightwood, and what will you be naming these two fine children?

Uhm… Kid number 1 and Kid number 2?

This is a serious question, Mrs. Lightwood. Names are for a child forever.

Okay… You don't need to go all Doctor Phil on me…

But my name is Doctor Phil.

_Oh shut up and go screw your wife._

**Yeah, what she said.**

Well, duly noted. Have a nice night you two. And don't forget; you can't have sex for six weeks!

**Yeah, yeah… WAIT, WHAT? SIX WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS? Would it matter anyway, Jace? What?**

I still haven't forgotten. You're never going to get any again, remember? You will have wished that you had never been born… I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU WATCH RERUNS OF THE TELLY-TUBBIES!

**NO! NOT THE TELLY-TUBBIES!**

* * *

If you didn't understand it, when the Random guy says 'So does my sister' he's meaning to say that his sister isn't having a baby. It means that either she is lesbian and her girlfriends the one who is pregnant, or his sister is a trans and her girlfriend is pregnant. Which ever is funnier. ;)

And now, for the longest author's note in the history of ever.

And there you have it folks. We're all done now… It's been fun, hasn't it? I'm going to miss you all. Thanks for all the reviews, and for pimping me off to your friends. This has been a great run with you guys. You've seriously been the best fans a person could get. The number of favorites on this story blew me away. Fucking fabulous, people. You all deserve to get an award for the best fans. This is why people are jealous of the MI fandom, we are, hands down, the best fandom in the whole world. Go us.

Well, for the last time, thanks to **KissTheRain14** who is pimping me off to her friends and readers as we speak. I'm such a slut, so she's whoring me off. She likes it. I know it.

To **Sam**, doody, you've been really good with reviews and saying literally the funniest things ever. Some people are just wicked good at leaving really crazy reviews – you are definitely one of them. Seriously, to everyone, go read her reviews, you'll fall on your ass laughing.

I also encourage everyone to go and check out this years Mortal Instruments Awards. Seriously, somebody should nominate me... Just sayin'. Anyway, get over there and get ready to vote! We neeeeeeedddd youuu! NOW!

And to everyone who has favorited me as an author or likes some of my other works- go check out some of my other Mortal Instruments fics. I've got an Alec/Jace up and I've got several Jace/Clary crack fics up. If you want me to destroy your reading innocence, you can read **Fervent for Foreplay **or **Urges**. If you like romance, read **A Rose in Thyme, You **or **Pearl**. Angst lovers will like **Love Most, Finish Last. **If you like multi-chapter, **Of Air and Angels** is only just starting. **Queen Beeyotch, Fervent for Foreplay **and** Not the Stomach Flu** are all crack fictions. :D Just like this one. If you have the times, go and read them!

Once again, thanks for the amazing time guys. I love you all – this was the best things have ever been!

**Reviews get frantic cute Jace and *drum roll Fun Under the Covers ;)**


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